Today I am writing for one simple reason: to let my frustration out by word, rather than letting it out on myself and having another anxiety attack. Because oh God how I hate myself. Some times I can’t believe how astonishingly pathetic I am. And what’s my reason for almost falling apart today? Something as simple as band rehearsal.
One of my favorite hobbies is also one of the things I do that put me the most out of my comfort zone, but it’s usually OK because I’m not alone in my instrument group and can get the support I need to get through every rehearsal, learn the part, and play the concert well. But that wasn’t the case today. I play the french horn (waldhorn), and I have for many years – I’d even say I’m a decent player. I’ve played for years, in high divisions in NM (Norwegian championship), went to Toneheim where I had waldhorn as my main instrument, auditioned for a part in His Majesty the King of Norways Guard’s Band against 11 other people and was one of four to get in, and now I play in both a band and an orchestra here in Lillehammer, yet I still can’t trust myself when I play. It’s so frustrating!
We’re usually two horn players in the band – she’s first and I’m second, third and fourth seat (whatever is needed). I’m not half as good as her – I know that – but at least when I play with her I know I can count on her to be the one in charge and guide me. When she’s not there – let’s just say the horns doesn’t really make any difference in the bands sound. She wasn’t at rehearsal today since she’s sick – and I can with ease say I wish I was the sick one.
I wish I hadn’t gone to rehearsal at all.
I’ve played with these guys for three years now, and I love playing with them, but for some reason I can’t do anything right when I’m alone in my group. My breathing was off, I couldn’t move my fingers fast enough, and I couldn’t follow the conductor. Since we’re working on the piece we’re going to play at NM we’re working on a lot of details and I had to play a rather simple rise – I play it with ease when I’m practicing at home … Not today – after three tries and three failed attempts, I wished the floor would open up and swallow me. And of course my bloody anxiety makes everything worse – though I am sure no one could notice. The rehearsal went on, and no one probably thought anymore about it – but that’s not what I feel. For the rest of the rehearsal I had to fight back tears, try to keep myself together and try not to let anything show. I couldn’t do anything right. And I know everyone else noticed I couldn’t do anything right after my failed attempts.
I know the conductor doesn’t really like me – he thinks I can’t play, and now I’m sure everyone else thinks I can’t play. I am so pathetic, and I don’t want to go back there again. I’ve feltlike quitting a few times lately, but I love playing, and I love the social part … I wish I could just let my anxious mind go – feel secure about myself and play like I know I can. What makes it even worse is that yesterday I had my first rehearsal with a wind ensemble and I felt so good about myself afterwards! I played music I saw for the first time there, I think I played it pretty well, and it was so much fun! In that ensemble we’re only eight people (only five yesterday), and I still felt so much more secure about myself there! I went to rehearsal today with that feeling, thinking I’d do ok – and I didn’t.
I’m honestly crushed. Tears are flowing down my face as I am writing this, but I’ve written my way away from an attack – I’m calmer, but so wistful … Some times I really wish I wasn’t me. Some times I wish I wasn’t so fond of playing – so I could just quit. Today I want to quit, but I know I can’t make myself. I wish I wasn’t so pathetic. I wish I had more confidence. And I wish I didn’t hate myself so much. I have no idea what to do with myself.
This probably doesn’t seem like a big thing to most people, but this is one of the things I’m really struggling with. People say they have faith in me, that they know I can do things – I just really wish I could have that confidence in myself too.