Todays post is kind of scary to write, and I think it’s really the “worst” one, since it’s the confession…
A confession/secret of yours.
So what do I write about here? A confession or secret, something not many people, if anyone, knows about me and my life. When I don’t tell people things it’s usually for a reason, and I am usually very open, just look at the fact that I’m openly talking about my depression and bisexuality in here. But everyone has secrets that they don’t want to share, or things it never seems like the right time to tell people about comes to. But maybe this challenge gives me the oppertunity to actually open up about one of my secrets, that might make people look at me differently, make people understand me a little more, take away the negative thoughts about that part of me, which I know some people have?
There’s one thing everyone easily can see: I’m fat. This makes people think about me in a certain way, they don’t take the time to get to know me to come to a conclusion – all because of how I look people judge.
I’ve been on antidepressives since autumn 2011 – one of the side effects with the medications I’m on is weight gain. Within 6 months of starting with my those medisins I gained 10 kg, even though I was active and tried not to. These meds also gives me higher appetite, which makes not gaining weight hard. I’ve been struggeling a lot, trying to lose the weight I gained, but I am having big difficulties. I’ve tried diet after diet, hoping it would work. In 2013 I stopped with my meds, seeing if my depression was better. It wasn’t. I lost weight in the 3 months I didn’t use the meds, but my depression got worse, so I had to get back on them. Then I gained even more weight again, showing a clear connection between the two of them. I still need my medication, at least another year, then maybe I can try to go without it again.
So yes, I know I am fat, you don’t have to tell me, I know. And I wish I wasn’t, I am trying hard to lose some of the weight, but as long as I am on my meds I will have trouble with it, my additional appitite making it worse, constant cravings for something sweet. It’s hard, it hurts, I cry about it some times, but I can’t do anything other then keep trying and try to stay strong.
My confession of a broken heart. But hey, one day the sun will shine on me too.