Today I got out of bed.

Some days you wake up and just know it’s going to be a good day. You walk around with a feeling of happiness inside and a smile on your face, content with your life. You’re looking forwards to being social, doing your chores and your hobbies. Those days are the good days, the ones you can enjoy.

Then there’s the other days. The days when depression strikes, reasons unknown. This morning when I woke up, I was struck hard. It was one of those days.

As soon as I opened my eyes I felt dread. For what? I don’t know. All I knew was that I didn’t want to get out of bed, that there was nothing to be looking forwards to, no reason to get dressed, no reason to do anything. It’s hard to describe how it feels to wake up like that. I know it differs from person to person, but for me it’s like a lingering in my chest, or a hand clenching my heart, making it hard to breath and making every heartbeat heavy. It’s often accompanied with sorrow, or a feeling of panic, some times insignificant, some times enormous.

And then there’s the thoughts.

You know how it is when you really don’t want to think about something, so you try to focus on anything else, but the thoughts always go back to that one thing? That’s kinda what it’s like. You’re not good enough. You’re not going to get anywhere. You will never be anything. Why are you even here? Your mind fills with degrading thoughts, and no matter how much you try to tell yourself it’s not true, make yourself believe that if you just get up, get dressed, start doing things, you’ll be fine, it doesn’t help. The thoughts are stuck in your head, if you manage to focus on something else you fall right back the moment you start to relax.

Some times I’m not sure what is worse – the negative thoughts, or knowing that there’s no reason to be having those thoughts at all. There’s absolutely no logic in me waking up scared or sad, my life is great. I know that. I try to tell myself this, but it doesn’t help – it usually just makes it worse. It makes me feel like an awful person, pitying myself like that, when I have everything I need and so much more.

When you try to talk about these kind of things to people who doesn’t have any experience with depression or anxiety, you get the “classic” answers, like “Smile” or “Do something you like!” Smile? Yeah, I’ve heard about studies showing that smiling produces endorphins, but do you really think I would walk around sad all day if simply smiling would help? It’s not that easy! And doing things I normally like doesn’t make it better either. Do you know what it’s like to do something you love, without feeling anything? When you love to play the french horn, it being one of the things you enjoy the most in the whole wide world, something that always used to make you happy, and playing now makes you feel nothing? Not a tingle of pleassure? It’s dreadful. Losing joy in the things you love is a horrible thing, something I wouldn’t wish for my worst enemy.

Though I feel like this some mornings, I know that I have to get up and do something. Staying in bed just makes me feel worse. Some times it helps getting up, you start feeling better after a while. Some times you feel dreadful the entire day, each step heavier than the last. Some times you manage to do something with your day, keep your mind off the feeling that lingers in your chest the whole day through, this was one of those days.

I want to write so much more, to describe what I feel and what I go through when I have these days, but it’s so hard. It seems pretty streight forward when you think about it, but putting it into words is practicly impossible.

Some days you wake up, just wondering if it’s all worth it. Is there any reason to get out of bed and go on with life? Today I got out of bed. That’s what matters.

 

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