OK, another one of those days
I’ve had some good months now. The bad thoughts havn’t really occurred very often, I havn’t had many panic attacks and I’ve managed to breath when I’ve thought I was going to have an anxiety attack.
But now I’m not sure if I can manage quite so well… I’m sitting by my computer, and this is my try at writing and describing, instead of letting the feeling grow.
You know how it is when you’ve done something that’s probably stupid, but that you really can’t regret because it’s something that you’ve wanted? And you hate yourself for feeling that way? It keeps replaying in your head, thoughts around it and ideas… And you feel kind of insecure about the whole thing? Well, that’s been my feelings a couple of days, and keeping it in and not letting people on about it can be hard. You want to talk to someone about it, but you can’t make yourself do it, and you don’t really know who you should talk about it too. So this has been my main thoughts, and today I woke up, got up, did an assignment for school and went back to bed again because I really didn’t feel well. And now I found out that I missed a meeting I was supposed to attend at school. It just blew up in my head. I sent a mail, apologizing, trying to keep the feelings down, but then my boyfriend manages to say something, so simple that it really shouldn’t affect me, but still…
“Have you become a truant?”
That was it. Suddely it hits me. It’s nothing, I know it isn’t, but it feels like a mountain of guilt settling in my chest and I can’t really take deep breaths, it’s too heavy. And I know it shouldn’t feel like this, but… it just does, you know? Some days are just too much, and now that it’s so far between the days I really get this feeling, it’s hard to keep a straight face like I usually do. I’m really sick of these feelings, and I’m not sure what to do about it. I know I need to talk to someone, but I am just doing to start crying (my tears are falling at this very moment, thank the Goddess that my boyfriend’s desk is behind me so he can’t see…), and I can’t handle that. I need to get away, but I have nowhere to go because I have no money and can’t do anything… I just feel trapped, both mentally and physically. When I think about this, and knowing that there are so many others with it tenfold times worse that I, I can understand why people end it. Not that I am thinking about that, no worries. But you get an understanding for it.
It makes it easier to write like this, getting my thoughts straightened and actually having to formulate… it makes the matters seem smaller for a few minutes. It’s a short entry, but I have no idea what to say, how to describe, what to write more about… Just these short lines have actually been a challenge to get down. But I have no idea what to do with myself, I just really want to run away from everything, leave everything behind and hide, start anew, be someone else. Because I really don’t like the person I am.