Yesterday I had my first anxiety attack since spring. I don’t really want to go into the reason as to why I had this attack, let’s just say that something very dear to me is gone forever. I ended up at the floor, heaving for breath, hyperventilating, crying, crying, crying. I lay like this for a while, trying to breath, trying to calm down, but that’s not really an easy thing to do. It was a full-on attack, but I think I had a kind of personal breakthrough, because I managed to snap out of it after an hour or so. Usually it just goes on until my body gets too tired and I end up falling asleep or just sitting there, exhausted. But yesterday I had somewhere to be, and I knew I had to get my act together. At one point, I wanted to just get it together enough to find my cellphone and send a message, saying I couldn’t make it, but that’d be admitting defeat. I guess I needed to focus and get through it, tell myself I coulnd’t just skip out on life just because my mental state is fucked up at times. I know this is something I woulnd’t have managed to do a year ago, so doing this yesterday was a victory of sorts … And lucky for me only one person noticed something was wrong, and he’s not one to start digging and asking questions if you don’t want to talk about something. I don’t usually wear make-up, but it’s really great for covering up things you don’t want people to notice, especially when you’re in a dimly lit barn, where people can’t really see your features well.
I didn’t really look forwards to going home, but it went better that I thought it would. I was alone with my cats, so it wasn’t too much noice and invasion of privacy. But I couldn’t stop the tears from falling when I went to bed, but it’s easy to fall asleep after an evening like that. I’m really tired today, but got up when I was supposed to, got where I had to go, and I’m ok. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to handle talking about this when I have to… It’s a problem I have to talk to someone about, to get out of my system, so… There’s going to be a lot more crying, I just have to prepare. Hopefully it won’t be too bad. I don’t get depressed as often as I used to, I don’t get anxious as much either, but I’m still struggeling some days.
This is more of a ranter than anything else, there is no plan in what I’ve written, I just needed to get it out. Maybe noone will read this, but that’s ok. I just needed to write.