Zero self-esteem

Today I am writing for one simple reason: to let my frustration out by word, rather than letting it out on myself and having another anxiety attack. Because oh God how I hate myself. Some times I can’t believe how astonishingly pathetic I am. And what’s my reason for almost falling apart today? Something as simple as band rehearsal.

One of my favorite hobbies is also one of the things I do that put me the most out of my comfort zone, but it’s usually OK because I’m not alone in my instrument group and can get the support I need to get through every rehearsal, learn the part, and play the concert well. But that wasn’t the case today. I play the french horn (waldhorn), and I have for many years – I’d even say I’m a decent player. I’ve played for years, in high divisions in NM (Norwegian championship), went to Toneheim where I had waldhorn as my main instrument, auditioned for a part in His Majesty the King of Norways Guard’s Band against 11 other people and was one of four to get in, and now I play in both a band and an orchestra here in Lillehammer, yet I still can’t trust myself when I play. It’s so frustrating!

We’re usually two horn players in the band – she’s first and I’m second, third and fourth seat (whatever is needed). I’m not half as good as her – I know that – but at least when I play with her I know I can count on her to be the one in charge and guide me. When she’s not there – let’s just say the horns doesn’t really make any difference in the bands sound. She wasn’t at rehearsal today since she’s sick – and I can with ease say I wish I was the sick one.

I wish I hadn’t gone to rehearsal at all.

I’ve played with these guys for three years now, and I love playing with them, but for some reason I can’t do anything right when I’m alone in my group. My breathing was off, I couldn’t move my fingers fast enough, and I couldn’t follow the conductor. Since we’re working on the piece we’re going to play at NM we’re working on a lot of details and I had to play a rather simple rise – I play it with ease when I’m practicing at home … Not today – after three tries and three failed attempts, I wished the floor would open up and swallow me. And of course my bloody anxiety makes everything worse – though I am sure no one could notice. The rehearsal went on, and no one probably thought anymore about it – but that’s not what I feel. For the rest of the rehearsal I had to fight back tears, try to keep myself together and try not to let anything show. I couldn’t do anything right. And I know everyone else noticed I couldn’t do anything right after my failed attempts.

I know the conductor doesn’t really like me – he thinks I can’t play, and now I’m sure everyone else thinks I can’t play. I am so pathetic, and I  don’t want to go back there again. I’ve feltlike quitting a few times lately, but I love playing, and I love the social part … I wish I could just let my anxious mind go – feel secure about myself and play like I know I can. What makes it even worse is that yesterday I had my first rehearsal with a wind ensemble and I felt so good about myself afterwards! I played music I saw for the first time there, I think I played it pretty well, and it was so much fun! In that ensemble we’re only eight people (only five yesterday), and I still felt so much more secure about myself there! I went to rehearsal today with that feeling, thinking I’d do ok – and I didn’t.

I’m honestly crushed. Tears are flowing down my face as I am writing this, but I’ve written my way away from an attack – I’m calmer, but so wistful … Some times I really wish I wasn’t me. Some times I wish I wasn’t so fond of playing – so I could just quit. Today I want to quit, but I know I can’t make myself. I wish I wasn’t so pathetic. I wish I had more confidence. And I wish I didn’t hate myself so much. I have no idea what to do with myself.

This probably doesn’t seem like a big thing to most people, but this is one of the things I’m really struggling with. People say they have faith in me, that they know I can do things – I just really wish I could have that confidence in myself too.


Not a good evening

Yesterday I had my first anxiety attack since spring. I don’t really want to go into the reason as to why I had this attack, let’s just say that something very dear to me is gone forever. I ended up at the floor, heaving for breath, hyperventilating, crying, crying, crying. I lay like this for a while, trying to breath, trying to calm down, but that’s not really an easy thing to do. It was a full-on attack, but I think I had a kind of personal breakthrough, because I managed to snap out of it after an hour or so. Usually it just goes on until my body gets too tired and I end up falling asleep or just sitting there, exhausted. But yesterday I had somewhere to be, and I knew I had to get my act together. At one point, I wanted to just get it together enough to find my cellphone and send a message, saying I couldn’t make it, but that’d be admitting defeat. I guess I needed to focus and get through it, tell myself I coulnd’t just skip out on life just because my mental state is fucked up at times. I know this is something I woulnd’t have managed to do a year ago, so doing this yesterday was a victory of sorts … And lucky for me only one person noticed something was wrong, and he’s not one to start digging and asking questions if you don’t want to talk about something. I don’t usually wear make-up, but it’s really great for covering up things you don’t want people to notice, especially when you’re in a dimly lit barn, where people can’t really see your features well.

I didn’t really look forwards to going home, but it went better that I thought it would. I was alone with my cats, so it wasn’t too much noice and invasion of privacy. But I couldn’t stop the tears from falling when I went to bed, but it’s easy to fall asleep after an evening like that. I’m really tired today, but got up when I was supposed to, got where I had to go, and I’m ok. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to handle talking about this when I have to… It’s a problem I have to talk to someone about, to get out of my system, so… There’s going to be a lot more crying, I just have to prepare. Hopefully it won’t be too bad. I don’t get depressed as often as I used to, I don’t get anxious as much either, but I’m still struggeling some days.

This is more of a ranter than anything else, there is no plan in what I’ve written, I just needed to get it out. Maybe noone will read this, but that’s ok. I just needed to write.


30 Day Photography Challenge #10

Day #10: Childhood memory


Well, I havn’t taken this photo myself, but it is a photography, so it’s still ok for the challenge, right? Because this is a lovely childhood memory! This is my brother, my sister (almost didn’t see her), my mum and me, at the shoreline, grilling! This is one of the few things I really have memories about. It’s weird, but there are so many things I can’t remember, others seem to remember so much more than me about childhood.

Not too bad days lately

Today is a lousy day… Not going to write anything about why, but I can say that I’ve been walking around all day with an anxious feeling in my chest, and a headache from an emotional overload.

Anyway; I havn’t written here in a while, so I thought I’d update now to get my mind on other things! I’ve had a lovely Ostara-holiday (though the holiday came a little late to really be Ostara) with my family. I’ve gotten my first letter saying I’ve earned royalties from the book I illustrated (though I won’t get the royalty payment till June), which is awesome! It really made me feel proud that I’ve actually managed to make something like that! Though I found out that the publishing company still havn’t managed to get the book for sale on their homepage, which the author talked to them about months ago… And let’s be honest; that really ruins the sale numbers! But we’ve sold 200! And it can still be bought here *wink-wink*


It started snowing again, so my sister, her boyfriend, my boyfriend, and I built… uhm, it was supposed to be snowmen. Charming, or what? (The beautiful hair was my idea.) Oh, and I even won a easter competition! So now I don’t have to pay anything for my mobile subscription for a year! And that really feels good, as we don’t exactly have a lot of money at the moment.

I’ve also just sold my first painting!!! (!!!!!!!) Even though it was to a cousin, it’s still a sale, I’m proud! I forgot to take a picture of it before I sold it, so I asked her to send me a picture of it so I could post it here. It’s found its place in her apartment now, fitting in perfectly~


Other than that… I’m busy writing my bachelor’s thesis. I’m writing about how museum pedagogues can work with teachers and make the museum visit a good learning experience… I can’t explain in english, this just sounded weird. But oh well, it’s all about constructivism, cooperation, etc. I feel like I’m far behind and that time is running out, but I’m sure it’ll work out in the end. A few weeks ago I had an exam (6-hours at home) and one hour before I was supposed to deliver the paper I got bluescreen and three hours of work disappeared. I was panicing, and was sure I’d get and F, or manage an E… and I god a bloody B! Just wow. So yeah, things have a tendancy to work out for me.

I’ve also gotten a job! Well, two jobs actually! I work most saturdays (and some other days when it’s needed) part-time at BabyCare, selling clothes, strollers and other babystuff ^^ And one job where I get called to kindergardens when someone gets sick and need someone to cover for them. It’s a good start, though I hope I’ll get something more permantent soon, when I’m done with my bachelor’s degree.

Well, that’s it for now!

Time flies by so haltingly

Sooo, it’s February, and here’s this years first entry. I’ve been thinking about writing so many times, yet I havn’t managed to just sit down and do it… Well, I’ve been sitting a lot, it’s the whole thing with activating my brain to actually do anything productive that is the problem. I keep telling myself I’ll do it tomorrow, or after an episode of whatever… And suddenly it’s been a week since I told myself I was going to write. But now I finally am! I told myself that today will be a productive day, so I am doing my best to not just lie down and stare at the ceiling. The last thing I did yesterday was fix my computer (myself, after my boyfriend kept putting it off… If you want something done…). So now I have my laptop to blog on, and it’s probably the only thing I will use it for, so maybe I’ll blog more? Nah, who am I trying to fool…

My whole perception of time has been kind of screwed up this year, I’m not sure why. They say your awareness of time changes the older you become, and that time seems to go faster. 100% logic in my opinion, no question there. But it feels like it should be at least May by now! On the 7th of January I was almost dumbfounded, I thought it was the 14th! I couldn’t believe it was just one week since I was celebrating New Years Eve with my boyfriends family. Now it feels like I’ve done so much this year that it can’t just be the 6th of February. I’ve started with a new subject at college, Special Pedagogy, and every week we’ve had seminars where the students has presented some of the syllabus for the other students, so it really feels like I’ve learned loads, and done lots there. I’ve also used a couple of weekends on music: the 21th I played with Lillehammer Symfoniorkester, a New Year Concert (it was awesome. I am not the best musician, so I’m proud of what I did there), and the weekend before that I had a seminare with Fåberg Musikkforening, the janissary band I play with, our first weekend working on the pieces of music we will be playing on NM in Trondheim (music competition) the 1st of April (I’ll probably feel like it should be the end of the year before we get there…). I’m hoping to play a little every day now, my french horn is lying in the window sill, ready to be used. Hopefully I’ll be ready for NM.


But yeah, now I’m straying from what i was writing about…

It’s annoying when time goes by so slow, but at the same time I hope this keeps up… At least it feels like I get a lot of time, and that I have a chance at getting things done! I’m starting at my bachelor’s thesis soon (hopefully next week…), and I think I really need all the help I can get! I still have no idea what exactly to write about (it will be media and pedagogy, but more than that? I don’t know), and I really need to do better this time than the last time I wrote a bachelor’s thesis. Aaaand I have to try to find a bloody job… I am working on it, but I’ll probably go without a job for years… I really have high expectations for myself here!

So… now I  have to keep having a productive day. But I really feel like going to bed at the moment… I am a lazy student, ok? 8 o’clock lectures ain’t my thing.


31.12.2016 – the last day of the year. It’s been an ok year, I’ve had both good and bad experiences, as one should have every year. I feel that I’ve made some positive changes in my life; I’ve grown spiritually and mentally, but at the same time I feel that I’ve been trapped at the same place for quite some time now. It’s like things isn’t really moving forwards, that I’m at the exact same place that I was a year ago.

As I am writing this it’s 90 minutes left of 2016, and it seems that everyone is planning their next year; goals, plans, ways to change their life, new year resolutions. I am not very good at the whole resolutions thing. One year ago I wrote I shall try to… 2016, where I made a list of things I wished to focus on in 2016.


Sing every day. Dance when I’m happy. Train as much as I feel like. Eat as much as I want. Do what makes me happy there and then. Fight my depression. Smile. Follow my heart. Look at the stars. Paint what I feel. Do something that scares me. Enjoy what I have. Cry. Savor smells. Read myself to sleep. Take care of myself. Blog. Tell the people I love that I love them. Draw. Speak my mind when something bothers me. Laugh. Write. Play. Love. Learn something new. Meditate. Listen to other peoples opinions – and take them into consideration. Get new friends (and of course keep my old ones too!). Spend time with those I love. Be myself. Get a new tattoo. Swim. Appreciate the days. Save some money. Travel. Take pictures. 

This was the list one year ago, and I’ve added to it in my book as the year has gone by. I think I’ve managed ok, there are things I wish I’d managed that I didn’t. I haven’t managed to save money, as I’ve been going in minus every bloody month, having to pay for two adults living expenses at my student loan… So there has been no traveling and no new tattoos, which I hope will change in 2017. In 6 months I’ll be done with my bachelors degree, and hopefully I’ll find myself a job and everything will get a little better. Money problems has been one of the big negatives of this year for me…

But I’ve had so many good things happen to me! I’ve gotten in contact with my friends from middle school and met up with them a few times, I’ve made many new friends, I’ve gotten better at playing both waldhorn and piano! I’ve been singing every day, I’ve danced (when no one’s watching), I’ve illustrated a book (!!!) and I’ve laughed with friends and told those I love that I love them!

So all these points will once again be my promises to myself, as they are all things that make me feel better. I also want to learn and be more active with my religion, and dare to be true to myself when I really just want to hide and be invisible. If people don’t like who I am, too bad for them! But I am sure that the people I love will love me just as much, or maybe even more, if I let myself free.

I also want to be more active. Not necessarily in the sports and training way, but going out with friends, take walks, go to game nights and parties! All of this will of course be easier with more money, but it doesn’t have to cost much either! I guess the most important thing for me in 2017 will be to stay positive and make the best of what life gives me. It’s not always easy, but I have a good feeling about next year, I am not exactly sure why, but I hope I am right.

Anyways, I just want to wish you all a blessed 2017! I hope 2017 will bring more peace and friendship to the world and that we will all find love and happiness in life.


And suddenly it hits

OK, another one of those days

I’ve had some good months now. The bad thoughts havn’t really occurred very often, I havn’t had many panic attacks and I’ve managed to breath when I’ve thought I was going to have an anxiety attack.

But now I’m not sure if I can manage quite so well… I’m sitting by my computer, and this is my try at writing and describing, instead of letting the feeling grow.

You know how it is when you’ve done something that’s probably stupid, but that you really can’t regret because it’s something that you’ve wanted? And you hate yourself for feeling that way? It keeps replaying in your head, thoughts around it and ideas… And you feel kind of insecure about the whole thing? Well, that’s been my feelings a couple of days, and keeping it in and not letting people on about it can be hard. You want to talk to someone about it, but you can’t make yourself do it, and you don’t really know who you should talk about it too. So this has been my main thoughts, and today I woke up, got up, did an assignment for school and went back to bed again because I really didn’t feel well. And now I found out that I missed a meeting I was supposed to attend at school. It just blew up in my head. I sent a mail, apologizing, trying to keep the feelings down, but then my boyfriend manages to say something, so simple that it really shouldn’t affect me, but still…

“Have you become a truant?”

That was it. Suddely it hits me. It’s nothing, I know it isn’t, but it feels like a mountain of guilt settling in my chest and I can’t really take deep breaths, it’s too heavy. And I know it shouldn’t feel like this, but… it just does, you know? Some days are just too much, and now that it’s so far between the days I really get this feeling, it’s hard to keep a straight face like I usually do. I’m really sick of these feelings, and I’m not sure what to do about it. I know I need to talk to someone, but I am just doing to start crying (my tears are falling at this very moment, thank the Goddess that my boyfriend’s desk is behind me so he can’t see…), and I can’t handle that. I need to get away, but I have nowhere to go because I have no money and can’t do anything… I just feel trapped, both mentally and physically. When I think about this, and knowing that there are so many others with it tenfold times worse that I, I can understand why people end it. Not that I am thinking about that, no worries. But you get an understanding for it.

It makes it easier to write like this, getting my thoughts straightened and actually having to formulate… it makes the matters seem smaller for a few minutes. It’s a short entry, but I have no idea what to say, how to describe, what to write more about… Just these short lines have actually been a challenge to get down. But I have no idea what to do with myself, I just really want to run away from everything, leave everything behind and hide, start anew, be someone else. Because I really don’t like the person I am.