Zero self-esteem

Today I am writing for one simple reason: to let my frustration out by word, rather than letting it out on myself and having another anxiety attack. Because oh God how I hate myself. Some times I can’t believe how astonishingly pathetic I am. And what’s my reason for almost falling apart today? Something as simple as band rehearsal.

One of my favorite hobbies is also one of the things I do that put me the most out of my comfort zone, but it’s usually OK because I’m not alone in my instrument group and can get the support I need to get through every rehearsal, learn the part, and play the concert well. But that wasn’t the case today. I play the french horn (waldhorn), and I have for many years – I’d even say I’m a decent player. I’ve played for years, in high divisions in NM (Norwegian championship), went to Toneheim where I had waldhorn as my main instrument, auditioned for a part in His Majesty the King of Norways Guard’s Band against 11 other people and was one of four to get in, and now I play in both a band and an orchestra here in Lillehammer, yet I still can’t trust myself when I play. It’s so frustrating!

We’re usually two horn players in the band – she’s first and I’m second, third and fourth seat (whatever is needed). I’m not half as good as her – I know that – but at least when I play with her I know I can count on her to be the one in charge and guide me. When she’s not there – let’s just say the horns doesn’t really make any difference in the bands sound. She wasn’t at rehearsal today since she’s sick – and I can with ease say I wish I was the sick one.

I wish I hadn’t gone to rehearsal at all.

I’ve played with these guys for three years now, and I love playing with them, but for some reason I can’t do anything right when I’m alone in my group. My breathing was off, I couldn’t move my fingers fast enough, and I couldn’t follow the conductor. Since we’re working on the piece we’re going to play at NM we’re working on a lot of details and I had to play a rather simple rise – I play it with ease when I’m practicing at home … Not today – after three tries and three failed attempts, I wished the floor would open up and swallow me. And of course my bloody anxiety makes everything worse – though I am sure no one could notice. The rehearsal went on, and no one probably thought anymore about it – but that’s not what I feel. For the rest of the rehearsal I had to fight back tears, try to keep myself together and try not to let anything show. I couldn’t do anything right. And I know everyone else noticed I couldn’t do anything right after my failed attempts.

I know the conductor doesn’t really like me – he thinks I can’t play, and now I’m sure everyone else thinks I can’t play. I am so pathetic, and I  don’t want to go back there again. I’ve feltlike quitting a few times lately, but I love playing, and I love the social part … I wish I could just let my anxious mind go – feel secure about myself and play like I know I can. What makes it even worse is that yesterday I had my first rehearsal with a wind ensemble and I felt so good about myself afterwards! I played music I saw for the first time there, I think I played it pretty well, and it was so much fun! In that ensemble we’re only eight people (only five yesterday), and I still felt so much more secure about myself there! I went to rehearsal today with that feeling, thinking I’d do ok – and I didn’t.

I’m honestly crushed. Tears are flowing down my face as I am writing this, but I’ve written my way away from an attack – I’m calmer, but so wistful … Some times I really wish I wasn’t me. Some times I wish I wasn’t so fond of playing – so I could just quit. Today I want to quit, but I know I can’t make myself. I wish I wasn’t so pathetic. I wish I had more confidence. And I wish I didn’t hate myself so much. I have no idea what to do with myself.

This probably doesn’t seem like a big thing to most people, but this is one of the things I’m really struggling with. People say they have faith in me, that they know I can do things – I just really wish I could have that confidence in myself too.

“Resolutions”

31.12.2016 – the last day of the year. It’s been an ok year, I’ve had both good and bad experiences, as one should have every year. I feel that I’ve made some positive changes in my life; I’ve grown spiritually and mentally, but at the same time I feel that I’ve been trapped at the same place for quite some time now. It’s like things isn’t really moving forwards, that I’m at the exact same place that I was a year ago.

As I am writing this it’s 90 minutes left of 2016, and it seems that everyone is planning their next year; goals, plans, ways to change their life, new year resolutions. I am not very good at the whole resolutions thing. One year ago I wrote I shall try to… 2016, where I made a list of things I wished to focus on in 2016.

Sing every day. Dance when I’m happy. Train as much as I feel like. Eat as much as I want. Do what makes me happy there and then. Fight my depression. Smile. Follow my heart. Look at the stars. Paint what I feel. Do something that scares me. Enjoy what I have. Cry. Savor smells. Read myself to sleep. Take care of myself. Blog. Tell the people I love that I love them. Draw. Speak my mind when something bothers me. Laugh. Write. Play. Love. Learn something new. Meditate. Listen to other peoples opinions – and take them into consideration. Get new friends (and of course keep my old ones too!). Spend time with those I love. Be myself. Get a new tattoo. Swim. Appreciate the days. Save some money. Travel. Take pictures. 

This was the list one year ago, and I’ve added to it in my book as the year has gone by. I think I’ve managed ok, there are things I wish I’d managed that I didn’t. I haven’t managed to save money, as I’ve been going in minus every bloody month, having to pay for two adults living expenses at my student loan… So there has been no traveling and no new tattoos, which I hope will change in 2017. In 6 months I’ll be done with my bachelors degree, and hopefully I’ll find myself a job and everything will get a little better. Money problems has been one of the big negatives of this year for me…

But I’ve had so many good things happen to me! I’ve gotten in contact with my friends from middle school and met up with them a few times, I’ve made many new friends, I’ve gotten better at playing both waldhorn and piano! I’ve been singing every day, I’ve danced (when no one’s watching), I’ve illustrated a book (!!!) and I’ve laughed with friends and told those I love that I love them!

So all these points will once again be my promises to myself, as they are all things that make me feel better. I also want to learn and be more active with my religion, and dare to be true to myself when I really just want to hide and be invisible. If people don’t like who I am, too bad for them! But I am sure that the people I love will love me just as much, or maybe even more, if I let myself free.

I also want to be more active. Not necessarily in the sports and training way, but going out with friends, take walks, go to game nights and parties! All of this will of course be easier with more money, but it doesn’t have to cost much either! I guess the most important thing for me in 2017 will be to stay positive and make the best of what life gives me. It’s not always easy, but I have a good feeling about next year, I am not exactly sure why, but I hope I am right.

Anyways, I just want to wish you all a blessed 2017! I hope 2017 will bring more peace and friendship to the world and that we will all find love and happiness in life.

 

30 Day Challenge

Yesterday one of my facebook-friends posted a link to her blog on facebook, starting the “30 day challange”. She’s going to post on her blog every day, using a premade list of what to write about each day. So I thought to myself, why not? So here goes. I’ll be trying to post every day for the next 30 day, and hopefully I’ll manage this.

I am lazy. That’s a fact. But when I set my mind to it, I usually go through with it. With my blog the problem is that I don’t feel like I have much to write about, and suddenly it’s been a couple of months since the last time. Now I’ll know what to write every day, and maybe that’ll help me continue writing when these 30 days are over? We’ll see. 

Here is the list, I’ll be posting my first day of the 30 day challange pretty soon.