Today I got out of bed.

Some days you wake up and just know it’s going to be a good day. You walk around with a feeling of happiness inside and a smile on your face, content with your life. You’re looking forwards to being social, doing your chores and your hobbies. Those days are the good days, the ones you can enjoy.

Then there’s the other days. The days when depression strikes, reasons unknown. This morning when I woke up, I was struck hard. It was one of those days.

As soon as I opened my eyes I felt dread. For what? I don’t know. All I knew was that I didn’t want to get out of bed, that there was nothing to be looking forwards to, no reason to get dressed, no reason to do anything. It’s hard to describe how it feels to wake up like that. I know it differs from person to person, but for me it’s like a lingering in my chest, or a hand clenching my heart, making it hard to breath and making every heartbeat heavy. It’s often accompanied with sorrow, or a feeling of panic, some times insignificant, some times enormous.

And then there’s the thoughts.

You know how it is when you really don’t want to think about something, so you try to focus on anything else, but the thoughts always go back to that one thing? That’s kinda what it’s like. You’re not good enough. You’re not going to get anywhere. You will never be anything. Why are you even here? Your mind fills with degrading thoughts, and no matter how much you try to tell yourself it’s not true, make yourself believe that if you just get up, get dressed, start doing things, you’ll be fine, it doesn’t help. The thoughts are stuck in your head, if you manage to focus on something else you fall right back the moment you start to relax.

Some times I’m not sure what is worse – the negative thoughts, or knowing that there’s no reason to be having those thoughts at all. There’s absolutely no logic in me waking up scared or sad, my life is great. I know that. I try to tell myself this, but it doesn’t help – it usually just makes it worse. It makes me feel like an awful person, pitying myself like that, when I have everything I need and so much more.

When you try to talk about these kind of things to people who doesn’t have any experience with depression or anxiety, you get the “classic” answers, like “Smile” or “Do something you like!” Smile? Yeah, I’ve heard about studies showing that smiling produces endorphins, but do you really think I would walk around sad all day if simply smiling would help? It’s not that easy! And doing things I normally like doesn’t make it better either. Do you know what it’s like to do something you love, without feeling anything? When you love to play the french horn, it being one of the things you enjoy the most in the whole wide world, something that always used to make you happy, and playing now makes you feel nothing? Not a tingle of pleassure? It’s dreadful. Losing joy in the things you love is a horrible thing, something I wouldn’t wish for my worst enemy.

Though I feel like this some mornings, I know that I have to get up and do something. Staying in bed just makes me feel worse. Some times it helps getting up, you start feeling better after a while. Some times you feel dreadful the entire day, each step heavier than the last. Some times you manage to do something with your day, keep your mind off the feeling that lingers in your chest the whole day through, this was one of those days.

I want to write so much more, to describe what I feel and what I go through when I have these days, but it’s so hard. It seems pretty streight forward when you think about it, but putting it into words is practicly impossible.

Some days you wake up, just wondering if it’s all worth it. Is there any reason to get out of bed and go on with life? Today I got out of bed. That’s what matters.

 

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I shall try to… 2016

I had planned on writing something like this yesterday, but I sat down to play board games with my family and boyfriend instead, so I guess I have to make this post today. An entry like this is something most people write either the last day of the year, or the first day of the year, but I’m not that organized. I have a tendency to be a little late with things that’s not important, or doesn’t have a deadline. That’s one of the things I’ve promised myself to get better at…

I’ve always made myself some kinds of promises at the beginning of every year, of the kind “I won’t do drugs” and “I’m not going to start smoking”, those kinda small things. I don’t really see them as new year resolutions, the things I’ve promised myself before, it’s always been things I know I’m going to keep on doing. At the same time I’m not a big fan of using the word resolutions (which is defined as “firm decisions to do something”) for the promises people give themselves when the new year begins. People seem to promise themselves and others the same thing, year after year, without being able to stick to it. What’s the point?

So, instead of making new year resolutions, I’ve decided to make a list of things I’m promising myself to try to do this year, but without the pressure. Sure, it might sound stupid to many, but for me it’s the mentality about it – I  don’t need to feel forced to do something, that usually makes me feel reluctant. So, in my almanac I’ve dedicated one of the first pages to my wishes for the year, I’ll probably keep adding things to it throughout the year. I thought I’d write them here too, since I’m desperately trying to keep writing things on my blog now, and since people who read this (one person? only me in a few years? mum?) might want to see what plans I have for the year, or just want to have a reason to make fun of me!

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Sing every day. Dance when I’m happy. Train as much as I feel like. Eat as much as I want. Do what makes me happy there and then. Fight my depression. Smile. Follow my heart. Look at the stars. Paint what I feel. Do something that scares me. Enjoy what I have. Cry. Savor smells. Read myself to sleep. Take care of myself. Blog. Tell the people I love that I love them. Draw. Speak my mind when something bothers me. Laugh. Write. Play. Love. Learn something new. Meditate. Listen to other peoples opinions – and take them into consideration. Get new friends (and of course keep my old ones too!). Spend time with those I love. Be myself. Get a new tattoo. Swim. Appreciate the days. Save some money. Travel. Take pictures. 

That’s what I have till now. So… any ideas as to what I should add? Have you made any promises for the year? Who am I talking to?

2015 – a year to remember?

Well, a new year has passed, a new year has come (cliché). People say that as you grow older, each year will pass faster than the last – but this doesn’t really apply this time. 2015 has been a long year, I’m guessing there’s many reasons for that, but it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what made it feel so long. Have I been bored? Has too few things happened this year? It doesn’t feel like a year, but closer to two years since my last new years eve.

I have both good memories and bad memories from the last year, and hopefully I’ll remember a lot from 2015 as the years pass. I’m going to tell you something that’s rather embarrassing for me to admit, but I don’t remember many things…It’s not like my memory is bad, I can read for a test and score 100, I can memorize songs, theories, how things are done, I remember my friends’ favorite foods, movies, etc., but I don’t remember doing stuff. Things I remember from earlier years are flashes of memories, a feeling, a smell, some times “films” in my mind, not seen from my own point of view. From my childhood I remember things I’ve seen on pictures or home movies, or flashes from when I’ve had a strong feeling or emotions about something. When I talk to people it always seems like they remember so much more than I do – my boyfriend can tell about hundreds of things! And there I am, remembering things I’ve been told or I’ve seen in pictures. I don’t even have many memories from my year at Toneheim, or my year in the royal guards. That’s why I took so many pictures – I wanted to remember as much as possible. That’s why I’m now trying to notice things more, with a hope to actually remember things. Maybe this is normal? I don’t know, but not remembering anything from my first 10 years of school kinda sucks…

So… in 2015 I’ve been trying. In 2016 I’ll try harder. Because I really want to remember how it was to be young when i grow old.

A few highlights from 2015 seems in order now. Thank Zuckerberg for Facebook so I can see what I’ve done…

The first thing that comes into mind is in may, when I was invited to join some friends to watch the Eurovision Song Contest with them! They have no idea how much it meant for me to be invited. I guess it’s not really a big deal for most people, but it meant the world to me, even though I didn’t show it as much as I could have. We had lots of fun, with dinner, drinking and song! And of course trying to guess who would win the competition, come in second and third. I got second place, beaten by the lovely Lillian, so it’s her turn to invite the rest of us again next year!

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In June we had our five year reunion at Toneheim! The most wonderful year in my life, and I finally got to meet most of those I went there with again! Even though I had a small breakdown because of something someone said, it was a wonderful weekend. I am terrible at keeping in touch with people, so many of them I saw for the first time since we left school five years ago. It was awesome.

After that 3 friends and I went camping for a couple of days!

In June I also got an A on my exam (yey me) and I got accepted to the bachelor program. So now I’m on my second year.

The worst thing that happened this year was that my cat, Nemi, died. Not in the mood to write more about that at the moment… Maybe later.

I got a new cat, Tsarina, now. She’s cool. Crazy, but cool.

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I also finished the drawing for a book, though we still have to see if Ida, who has written, gets to publish the book.

The 26th December my brother and his wife got a daughter! So I got a niece. I havn’t gotten to meet her yet, as I havn’t had time to make the trip (it’s a 7 hour drive there), but I’ll hopefully be able to meet her soon.

I am sure there’s more things I should mention, but… Yeah, I can’t think of any at the moment. If I can manage to blog more this year, maybe I’ll be able to remember more? It’s worth a try. As I’ve said time and time again, I am not a good blogger. I started a longer entry, but I never managed to complete it. So I’ll just have to settle for shorter entries, so I can manage to post them before I forget about them. Think I’ll manage?